


Going Back

by miss_aligned



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, F/M, Mass Effect 2, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-09
Updated: 2016-06-09
Packaged: 2018-07-14 02:44:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7149467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miss_aligned/pseuds/miss_aligned
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's a beautiful, quiet morning as Kaidan returns to his duties, but it's difficult to move forward when everything has changed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Going Back

It had been harder to get back on the usual schedule than Kaidan had anticipated. He stood at the window with coffee in hand as the sun had just begun showing signs of rising on the horizon. The peaceful, quiet moments of daybreak had always been among his favorite. He often took advantage and cleared his mind to prepare himself for the day.

Today, it wasn’t so easy.

The words of some stupid song had been echoing in his mind since he’d awoken not so long ago. Kaidan hated that his subconscious was clearly toying with him, and his heart was responding in kind. It was a silent, internal war that he felt powerless to stop.

_And I don’t know if you see me here_

_But I can tell you your face is clear_

_I will see you… forever._

He set his mug aside and began dutifully folding his clothing, tucking it away in his duffel bag. He hadn’t worn the uniform in what felt like an eternity. He looked at it then, with a furrowed brow and a slightly tilted head, like he didn’t even recognize what it was or its symbolism. Regardless, he set one aside and neatly buried the others among the few belongings he deemed important or functional enough to bring along.

Kaidan took a moment to finish off his drink before setting about exchanging his sweat pants for the standard Alliance attire once more. It was all too familiar and somehow very awkward to put it on again. He couldn’t help but notice the way the shirt settled over his chest, feeling like a tremendous weight on his shoulders.

_I don’t know if you hear me there_

_When it’s darkest and no one cares_

_I will hear you… forever._

He moved next into the bathroom, catching sight of his reflection in the mirror. He flinched a little, realizing suddenly how the way he was feeling was evident in his outward appearance. The hair he could fix. The slumped shoulders, the dark circles under his eyes, the pallid skin tone, however… those were all things that would take some effort to cover.

_Send me letters from above_

_Send me strength, send me love_

_Such sweet love_

_Sing me songs that echo in my head and in my heart_

_That’s where you are_

Kaidan set to work cleaning up and making himself a bit more presentable as more words drifted through his mind and he desperately tried to ignore them. As the minutes passed, he looked much more like his usual self, but he silently acknowledged that it felt like a mask. It was one that he had no choice but to wear. The time had come to return to work. To move on. He sighed heavily to himself as he packed away his supplies and transferred them to the duffel bag with his clothing.

The sky was ablaze with a myriad of colors as the sun made its first appearance on the horizon. He hadn’t stopped thinking of her, not since the moment she ordered him to evacuate the ship while she tended to its helmsman. If he were being honest with himself, he’d been thinking of her long before that, too. Though the cheery look of the morning did remind him that there was plenty more beauty and good in the galaxy, it was hard to accept losing what had been so important.

Getting back to work was going to help. Kaidan knew that the distraction was necessary and welcome. There would be nightmares, a cold bed, and lonely thoughts in the quiet of space, but that was all simply a part of life now. He couldn’t mourn properly, as someone who lost a love might be expected. He’d lost a commanding officer and a friend, at most, and that’s how it had to appear. As he slung the bag’s strap over his shoulder and prepared to report, he braced himself for the questions regarding his previous service and experiences on the fallen Normandy. Those fresh wounds would be poked and prodded beyond his level of comfort, but it was expected.

_And I don’t know if you feel me here_

_I can tell you one thing that’s clear_

_I will feel you… forever._

He walked out the door and quietly closed it behind him. Turning to make his way down the hall, he held his head high, forcing his back and shoulders straight. Outwardly he would appear as little more than a seasoned soldier with a few battle scars. Inwardly, he felt like he was crumbling.

Kaidan reserved himself to mourn Shepard in silence, alone. He wouldn’t let anyone know that she’d been so much more to him than a respected Commander. He would protect her reputation. It was the least he could do, after all, when he’d failed to protect her life.

([Forever](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-nrHmQFFB3I))


End file.
